Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
