new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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