i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
