Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You made out with two different species that night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
