You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
