Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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