Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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