i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
