I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
