What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
