He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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