I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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