Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize