My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
