I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
A bitchslap is in order.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
