If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
