listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize