dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
