Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize