His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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