be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
