Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
