I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize