my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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