things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
