Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
