I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
