Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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