Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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