They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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