i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
