I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
