So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
