My first STD was from a foam party
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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