Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Green mimosas i think yes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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