The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
