just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
