she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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