I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
