first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Green mimosas i think yes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize