Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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