I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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