Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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