flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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