god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
