made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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