Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
