I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
