He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
