pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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