Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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