You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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