Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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