I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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