I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
