Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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