K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
