You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize