I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Holy shit dude........stairs
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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