ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
