Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
