Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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