Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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